So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
