Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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