just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Randomize
