I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
