You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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