"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
