She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
