the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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