sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
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