He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize