I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Randomize
