Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
