JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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