WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
True but thats because hes a fetus.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
