Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
My butt remains clenched, sir.
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