We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
