I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
