you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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