Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
