went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
His nipple licking is glorious
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