He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
