Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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