if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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