I need help removing her.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
