I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
