and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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