Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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