Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
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