Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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