everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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