please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
