so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
