You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
my poor anus
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
