Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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