last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
