My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
