Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
