So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
