you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize