I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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