Pregnant stripper...not hot.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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