I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
