dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
