i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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