all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize