woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
