ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Randomize
