my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
