i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
