That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
