I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
