We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize