I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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