I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
