I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
