erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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