I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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