Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
